Please don't hang up
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Emergancy Broadcast System
Ok. So it's time for confession. I haven't been blogging because like my friend Debbie said, I've been trying to "figure some things out".

I'm at a place in my life where I am very unhappy. I'm unhappy with so many things.
My father has left the nursing home. For awhile I believed this would be a good thing until my father called me almost hysterical, claiming he couldn't live alone, he was so sick and could I take him to his mothers. As most of you know, I am not a huge fan of his mother. I believe that she causes more problems for those around her then anything else. Well, that was the week that I was so sick. I could not take him. My uncle David who lives with her drove up here from Cincinnati (about an hour) and picked him up. Well, it was barely 5 days later and she is calling me, telling me I have to come and get my father, because he's drinking and she is afraid for her life.

My brother was home at this point so James and his girlfriend made the trip to Cincinnati with me to get my father. Sure enough, he was drunk. We drove him home and in his empty apartment, I found empty beer and liquor cans. I decided that I could do no more. I worked at my full time job and my second job and just basically tried to stay away from him. He would call me for things and I would not be able to help him because I was working or had other things going on.

Last Monday, my brother was arrested. He had a felony warrant out for his arrest and was picked up for it at our home. I called my father that Monday (we had plans to go to dinner) and explained the situation to him. I could not make dinner because the police were at my home, they had surrounded my house with their guns drawn, were in the process of obtaining a search warrant and I had to go. My father was so rude about it and so careless, it hurt me so much. That Wednesday, I got another almost hysterical call from my father saying he had to go back and stay with his mother because he could not live alone. He was so sick and was falling all the time. Please understand, that for the two weeks he had been gone, I begged him to return to the nursing home.

He's back at my grandmothers house now and she is calling me ALL the time, telling me he needs help or that he's fallen (don't get me wrong, I appreciate it). She called me very upset last Thursday because my father has urinated on himself and had fallen in her hallway. I advised her to call 9-1-1 and then waited to hear something from them. About 7:30 that night (3 hours later) my father finally called and explained that he did not go to the hospital because he "did not feel like it". So, yet again, I was upset and worried for NO REASON.

Saturday, she called me because she was arguing again with my uncle and wanted me to drive
down there and do something about it. I had to work. And could someone please explain to me what I am supposed to do about a 45 year old man, arguing with his mother????

Another call today, my father is giving his brother money so he can go and buy alcohol for the two of them and I AM SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING. I'm just at a loss. I'm tired of all of it.

I'm tired of helping my dad just to have it thrown back at me. The cancer is not gone, the drinking is going to make it spread faster, he will NOT help himself. He is living in an apartment that has nothing in it but a bed and a television. He will not go back to the nursing home. He doesn't want to lose his Social Security check. The catch is, how do I walk away from this? I've been in therapy, I'm on medicine, I have even tried to kill myself to make it all stop. (Sorry, don't be upset, that was last year.) I've tried walking away from him but that is so hard. HE IS MY FATHER! How do you walk away from that?

In two weeks, my grandpa will have been gone a year. I miss him so much. I wish he was here to tell me what to do.

I have no help here. My mother doesn't get involved, because that is her ex-husband. My brother really wants nothing to do with him. His family won't help me. They really want nothing to do with him. I have NO help here. I have support but NO ONE to help me. My mother says I should get used to it, this is my life but I need help so bad.

I am very depressed again. This is all out of control.

Yes, I know, some of you are out there saying "Give it to God." "God will help you." That is hard for me to do. I know it shouldn't be, but it is.

To top it all off, my mother and I are fighting, my brother is in jail again, my pilonidal cyst is back - go to pilonidal.org for more information - my second job is taking advantage of me...

I just need it all to end. So, of course, I turn to you all. I am not going to ask for prayer because I believe I have asked for enough prayer from all of you. Please just keep me in your thoughts for awhile and if you have any helpful suggestions, let me know.

Until this all straightens out, I will be out of commission for awhile. I just can't bring myself to blog about any of this so that is why this is all one big BLAH blog. Here it is.

I hope that you all are okay and don't hold it against me for sharing all of this.

Hopefully, I will be back soon.
posted by Susan @ 7:50 AM  
9 Comments:
  • At 8:23 AM, Blogger Jeana said…

    You can never ask for prayer too much.

    I am praying for you. I wish I could help otherwise, but I am at a loss as to advice. I'm so sorry about all of this!

     
  • At 4:08 PM, Blogger Heather Smith said…

    Believe me, you need fellow Christians to pray for you. I am praying that God will work a miracle in your life right now! He can change things even when you think you are at the end of your rope! You just may want to check out my devo blog today if you get a chance! Praying girl!

     
  • At 9:31 AM, Blogger Minnie said…

    I'm with Jeana - you can never ask for prayer too much. God is so much bigger than all of this, Susan, and He WILL fix this. I know you are in a low place right now and don't see how it's possible, or don't have any desire to pray. I wish I had some wisdom for you in this situation, but I don't. All I can do is rely on our Heavenly Father to work it all out. Please know you can call me at any time if you need to talk. I miss talking with you!

     
  • At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Debbie said…

    Girl like it or not I will keep on praying for you and your family. You need to attend one of those ANON meetings for family. They really do help get beyond this. You have done nothing wrong to feel so bad. They all really have to want your help and it seems all they want is to use you!

    Hugs girl. And yes please give it to God. You have to for you!

     
  • At 11:08 AM, Blogger julie said…

    What a mess!!!!!
    Thanks for sharing. I'll be praying.

     
  • At 5:17 PM, Anonymous Anne Glamore said…

    You're certainly on my prayer list. My dad is screwing up big time, too, and it's hard to give it to God and not worry about it, especially when you're the one "in charge" like it sounds.

    Hang in there. YOU just pray to get thru each hour and WE will pray for the bigger stuff.

     
  • At 11:45 PM, Blogger Blond Girl said…

    it's been awhile... how are things working out? Coming up with some answers? I understand bowing out for awhile when things get stressful; it's what I've been doing a lot lately.

    Keep in there - we're praying and waiting.

     
  • At 1:19 AM, Blogger barbara said…

    i am a christian. i don't really know how i found your blog...and your post is old already, but i just wanted to post and let you know that i said a prayer for you right now. God has a plan for you, and he's building your character thru all of this. its always hard to see that, but KEEP THE FAITH!
    (((hugs)))
    barbara

     
  • At 4:59 PM, Anonymous Suzanne Eller said…

    Hey Susan,

    Have you tried Alanon? You are carrying a load that is too big, and it's not yours to carry. Other who understand can help you set boundaries, encourage you, understand your life and challenges, and give you direction. You do need people to pray, but sometimes people throw out advice like "give it to God" not understanding that you give it to God every day, just to have the strength and direction to get out of bed and live your own life, much less to carry the burdens of an addicted love one. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ is for teens, but it also has information for family members, and perhaps there is a group in your area.

    I stumbled across your blog by accident, but I'm an author and speaker who shares about "pushing past your past", and I've had to do that in my own life.

    Blessings, Suzie Eller (T. Suzanne)

     
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